he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
