Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
