I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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