I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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