I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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