I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
third nipple confirmed
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
