I think my fart just growled at me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Hippo gnu deer
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
