Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
