I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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