life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
