If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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