I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
