Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
