She is in my trunk
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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