does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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