I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
