watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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