Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
