my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
