I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
