girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
