you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
And then he peed in my hair
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