You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
