My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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