i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
