How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
