Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
