its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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