the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
