Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
