It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
