I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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