Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
