Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
