you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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