How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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