Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Text me some of your sweat
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
