hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
