If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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