Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
