Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
