My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
