I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
