I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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