I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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