Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
