Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
