Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
