my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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