dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
