where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
