We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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