The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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