I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
