She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
